Dealing with difficult relationships - Speak the truth

I have prepared this piece actually for delivery to my cell-group that’s scheduled to meet on 29 Jan.

Thought I’ll post it here and share it with you. Your comments if any are of course welcome.

The subject matter for Bible Study this month is on “Dealing with Difficult Relationships” but tonight’s topic for deliberation which is Part 2 of our engagement is entitled “Speak the truth” and I am to lead.

Now one may ask what has the topic “Speak the truth” got to do with “Dealing with difficult relationships?” How do they sync? What’s the connection? How to apply it?

These are some of the thoughts I want you to focus on this evening.

You know, many of us grew up in the country from ordinary families and from young we were raised to “speak the truth”. I was anyway. I remember quite vividly that if I ever lied and was discovered, my mother would cane me severely and I would retreat to my little “corner” of the house and cry. That was a long time ago but it left an indelible mark on me.

Truly then to me “honesty is the best policy and it begins at home”. I believe it still does, agree?

When we are honest (with ourselves as well as with others), I tell you we stand tall among our fellow men.

Question is why do our parents want to teach or rather to instill in us this trait, the character trait of “telling the truth”? Now I know why, because in life I believe the character (as in integrity) of a person is everything.

(1) Speaking the truth builds character, agree?
(2) Not only that, “speaking the truth” is the very foundation for building and sustaining good and long lasting relationships.

And the whole of life is about relationships, isn’t it?

So let’s talk a little about “relationships”, yes of the human kind. What is it that makes a relationship tick or stick, and what is it that sours it as in a difficult or broken relationship?

When we know the causes for failure or success in a relationship, then we would know how to deal with relationships, don’t we? This is of course easier said than done.

It’s okay to have difficult relationships, who doesn’t? The important thing is when things go wrong we should ask ourselves, can we do something about them? The answer to that of course is plenty.

The Bible tells us, anything uncontrolled can harm our relationships.

Some of these things are: Anger (Pr 29:11), Drinking (Pr 23:29-35), Lust (Pr 6:26), A Reckless Tongue (Pr 12:18), Ambition & Worldly Desires (Pr 23:4), and even Spending or Over-indulgence (Pr 21:20).

So if you don’t want to harm or spoil a relationship what would you do? We must learn to control our anger, our tongue, and a host of sinful human desires. I think you know what these are.

Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken down walls.” Note in the time this was written, cities were safe only because of their walls. The moment we lose self-control or self discipline, we are actually a city without any protection already.

Self-control, as Paul tells us in Galatians 5:22 is a fruit of the Spirit. Ah, how do we catch it, that’s the problem? But mind you, not one fruit but there are 8 other very useful fruit of the Spirit to catch on too. I think you know what they are.

I think it’s true to say and that is this, we can live “an incredible life” thru’ the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit if we can catch it that is, literally speaking.

God’s spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-disciplined.

It’s no secret people who live by the “fruit of the Spirit” are among other things, more victorious in life including relationships than those who live by the “fruit of the flesh”. Agree?

If you live by the “fruit of the flesh”, you will soon discover that it doesn’t help in building up relationships. In fact I think the opposite will be true.

Let me ask you what then are the “fruits” of the flesh, you know those things that God detests or hates the most? Let me tell you from the Bible,

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
a false witness who pours out lies
and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)

Of the traits or sinful human desires which are the “fruit of the flesh”, the Bible tells us clearly to shun or abandon, see 2 Timothy Chapter 3 what Paul had envisaged:

"People will be lovers of
themselves,
lovers of money,
boastful,
proud,
abusive,
disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful,
unholy,
without love (hatred),
unforgiving,
slanderous,
without self-control,
brutal,
not lovers of the good,
treacherous,
rash,
conceited,
lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.

Can you see the contrast between the two kinds of lives: (1) lives that are lived by the “fruit of the flesh” as opposed to (2) lives lived and led by the Spirit and what each can do to relationships? Think on it.

Now let me ask you 2 simple questions about another character trait which is “to speak the truth” or in essence “honesty”. (1) What does the world say about “honesty” and (2) What does the Bible say?

You all must know the stories of (1) Napoleon and (2) the story of late of Tiger Woods. What lessons can we learn from them?

Let me ask, what is the cause of each of their downfalls? I think a lot has got to do with “character”, more so than with circumstances or people.

“People”, “circumstances” and “self” govern our lives, don’t they? Of these 3, I think “our own-self” is our greatest enemy and most destructive, true or not?

Too often it is our pride, our stubborn ego, the “I must win attitude” which is the stumbling block to what could otherwise be a good and happy relationship.

Let me ask, “Of all the people you come in contact with, who gives you the most trouble?” D L Moody (one of the greatest evangelist of the last century) had said, “Actually, I have the most trouble with myself.” Any surprise?

Napoleon was reputed to have said, “Able was I ere I saw Elba” and these:

“If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.”
“Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”
“History is a set of lies agreed upon.”
”The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man.”

Do you believe him? Hope we don’t go “bonkers” thinking about it. Many people in the secular world of course agree with him. That I think is the world’s view of “honesty”.

Napoleon was a sort of “hero” in his day but his success didn’t last long. The momentum of power, of greatness was not sustainable. I think he died in exile, a failure? So was Hitler, to name another world “hero”. Why?

You know, worldly success (wealth, fame and power) acquired or achieved out of deceit or dishonesty or vide ungodly means the Bible tells us, can never last. What God has not sanctioned, God will surely scorn or frown upon. The end result is always disaster, tragedy or disappointment.

So as Christians be careful when pursuing or gathering up your so-called “nest-eggs” while going up the ladder of success. In the end, God brings all the arrogant and dishonest men down on their knees, agree?

The Tiger Woods story - Another lesson about character?

This is what the good Pastor & a famed Speaker & Trainer in Leadership, Dr John Maxwell had said recently and I quote:

“Tiger's story is a cautionary tale about character. All of the momentum you build through decades of hard work and dedication can be erased if you do not craft the character to support it.

Character is forged daily through the decisions we make. It comes from within and cannot be purchased.

Be diligent about working on your character so that you become a person worth following and someone worthy of harnessing the momentum of success.”

They did a survey of 1,300 senior executives in America, asking what was the most important characteristic in a person. Out of 17 options, integrity was chosen by 76 percent as the top quality to have.

Indeed, integrity or an honest character is everything. Without it, all is lost. Honesty of course breeds trust, and trust is very important in a relationship.

Now, let’s see what the Bible in particular what the Book 1 Samuel teaches us on how character, and in particular honesty and integrity can literally make or break a person.

In the Book of Samuel is the story of 2 men, i.e. Saul and David, the character of each, so diametrically different and how they played out.

Saul was tall and handsome, the 1st chosen king of all Israel but he was not a good king. He glorified self more than he honored God. He heart was full of envy and he couldn’t stand anyone better than him. He disobeyed God and when things went wrong, he blamed others. He made promises he could not keep. He succumbed to living by the “fruit of the flesh”. The Spirit of God left him. The Prophet Samuel had to confront him on a relationship that had gone bad.

On the contrary, David was a man of faith in God. He wrote Psalm 23. He knew who his God was and what his God could do for him if he trusted in Him. Remember how he slew Goliath single-handedly with only one sling-shot.

David was a humble and quite insignificant shepherd boy, the youngest among the 8 sons of Jesse of Bethlehem. Small in stature, young and innocent, but God saw what He could do. Why chose him and not anyone of his bigger and physically stronger brothers? His character and integrity must have stood out for him. It was said that when he was called and was anointed by the Prophet Samuel to be the next king, the power of the Spirit of God came upon him.

Despite what Saul did to him, David had always respected Saul while he was alive as the rightful king and never once did he retaliate. That spoke loudly to me of the power of “self-control” and what it could do. This greatness is a virtue, a virtue I believe that was entrusted to him by God.

Obviously God liked David. Why, because he listened and obeyed the voice of God and that made him a very important person in the history of the Bible. One could say he is a giant amongst God’s great heroes, more has been written about his life in the Bible (other than our Lord Jesus) than any other person of God that we know of.

You know, one of the reasons why I believe the Bible is to be believed, the inspired word of God, is this fact that God has been dead honest with us in his word.

Look at how the great men and women of the Bible, the so-called “heroes” of the Christian faith were portrayed in the Bible, from Abraham, Isaac, Jacob to Joseph, Moses, David, Solomon; they were heroes alright but their lives were not lives that were lived without sin. On the contrary we can probably recall the times and name the event that these “heroes” have grieved God’s heart.

God could have with-held all those incidences of wrong doing from us, incidences that didn’t augur well for “heroes” and their like, but he didn't. Why is God then telling us all these?

I can think of 2 reasons. (1) That we learn lessons from them. More importantly (2), it reveals to us a side of God, a trade mark of His character i.e. an honesty and integrity that’s beyond reproach, that’s God’s character. He had to tell, no matter how hard it was.

Aren’t we glad that we have an honest God? So then if God is honest with us, it is natural that He expects us to be honest with Him too, see?

“Honesty” or as a whole, “integrity" has the power to build trust, and “trust” is what fuels a relationship. I ask you if no trust exists, what relationship does one has.

Trust is the very foundation for every (good & long lasting) relationship that we are going to have in life and honesty breeds that trust.

I am re-emphasising what you all already know. It’s good to remind ourselves every now and then, lest we forget what honesty can do.

Speak the truth. Transparency breeds legitimacy.

Someone had said that credibility is a person’s currency. With it, he or she is solvent; without it, he or she is bankrupt.

Whether we like it or not, this life is actually a life of relationships. Why, because I believe that no man (or woman for that matter) is an island.

Therefore, how we handle relationships is very important. You can say our happiness and success in life depended very much on it.

In conclusion, let me say this, let us always have the courage to speak the truth even though the truth hurts, but speak it with a loving kindness and show it, i.e. with a love and a kindness that's genuine.

Last but not least, my advice is: “say what you mean, and mean what you say always”.

You know what Billy Graham had said when asked how he wanted to be remembered.

“That I was faithful to what God wanted me to do, that I maintained integrity in every area of my life, and that I lived what I preached.”

May that inspire us, God bless.

The thought that matters

This is my first “message” of the New Year, the 112th one so far.

And I must say it’s great to be back after witnessing some of those fireworks at the dead of night last night which ushered us into a brand new year!

Whether those displays of fire-power had beaten last year’s, I am not so sure.

Nonetheless, it was a magnificent celebration! Why all that rattle and dazzle, I wonder? Does it mean anything?

Some of us believe that the bigger and the louder the “bang” we make at the start of New Year’s Day, the more successful the incoming year will turn out to be. I wonder but who wouldn’t want to have a more successful year that’s ahead?

We made it, didn’t we? Into 2010 I mean.

Aren’t we glad that the best and the worst of 2009 are now behind us?

To many of us it seems like a big leap forward, isn’t it? And to some perhaps it is a new dawn and a new hope.

Whichever, I hope our “batteries” have been recharged and we are ready to face 2010 with renewed vigor and enthusiasm that will propel us not only at the start but hopefully will continue to sustain us throughout the rest of the year.

Here are some of the New Year greetings I have received from my friends. I think they are very nice and I want to share them with you in this “blog”. They all mean well and I feel blessed.

“A New Year..
A New Start…
A New Chapter….
A New Beginning…..
Forget the BAD
Cherish the GOOD…I sincerely wish you and your family a very Blessed New Year.”
~Oh

“Wishing you a Happy New Year. May you become a more prolific blogger in 2010.”
~OKL

“May you and your family be blessed with things you pray for, granted the things you wish for, and rewarded with things you work for. May you have the gift of excellent HEALTH, LOVE, PEACE OF MIND, and GOOD SPIRIT. Cheers for the new and successful 2010!”
~Johnny

“May the Lord anoint and empower you to soar on wings of eagle. May the New Year bring abundance of peace, love and joy.”
~LY

“May you have a Great and Blessed 2010!”
~JJ

“Wishing you and your family a Blessed and Meaningful 2010.”
~Edmund

“To David, God Bless You and Family too. Have a blessed year.”
~Aaron

“Happy New Year! Just thinking of you. God bless”
~KC

“Happy New Year! May God bless you all richly…”
~FVS

“Hope you have a wonderful New Year. Happy Holidays! We wish you more adventures.”
~Helen & Jim Schwent

“Happy New Year! Remember to exercise (walk) at least once a week. Don’t quarrel with your sweetheart and be generous to say I Love You.”
~Doreen

“Success is not the key to Happiness. Happiness is the key to Success. If you love what you are doing you will be happy and successful. Have a Happy and Successful Year ahead!”
~Koh

“My wish for you in 2010: May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts; May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills; May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips; May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ....may 2010 be the best year of your life!”
~Tan

Well, need I say anymore? Thanks to all of you my friends. You have made my day!

May God be with you always!

Let's relax, sit back and enjoy as Jeff Majors sings this beautiful Hymn, the words of which are taken from the well-known "Psalm 23". Thanks to "BlAtlnOgAp" for sharing it with us.