Life's lighter side

How do these definitions of some common English words (which I shall post below) sound to you?

Some are pretty weird, others downright funny, a number witty and thought provoking.

As they say English is a funny language where sometimes words are slippery and thought is viscous.

“One man's frankness is another man's vulgarity,” so said Kevin Smith and that’s probably true to say even today.

Yes, words do come easy so the good old advice is: do not simply believe in everything you read or that’s said; take them with a pinch of salt, and you’ll be alright.

Here then are some of the definitions (with some exceptions) of simple English words which were given to us by a guy called Ambrose Bierce in the early part of this century and who would you believe it, compiled them (I think it was in 1911) into a book called, “The Devil’s Dictionary”.

Explore and have fun.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight, when its object is poor or obscure; and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors-- to dislodge the worms.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

ATOM BOMB, n. An invention to end all inventions. (~Anon.)

BACKBITE, v. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance
of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.
(~Henry Ward Beecher)

CIGARETTE, n. A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. (~Anon.)

CLASSIC, n. A book which people praise but do not read. (~Anon.)

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

COMPROMISE, n. The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he’s got the biggest piece. (~Anon.)

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent as distinguished from YEAR, a period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments!

DIE, v. Means to stop sinning suddenly.
~attributed to Elbert Hubbard

Death is life’s way of telling you’re fired.
~Author Unknown

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “you can’t fire me – I quit.”
~attributed to Bill Maher

God made death so we’d know when to stop.
~attributed to Steven Stiles

DIPLOMAT, n. A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. (~Anon.)

DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

DOCTOR, n. A person who kills your ills with pills, and kills you with his bills. (~Anon.)

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

FATHER, n. A banker provided by nature. (~Anon.)

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs.

FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

KILL, v. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.

MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.

MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.

MISER, n. A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. (~Anon.)

MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

OFFICE, n. A place where you can relax after your strenuous home-life. (~Anon.)

OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.

OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

POLITICIAN, n. One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.(~Anon.)

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no
better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die.

"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life."
It is longer!

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

"What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.
"Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it."
"Then why do you not become an atheist?"
"Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism."
"In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."

RESIGN, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

RICHES, n.

A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in
whom I am well pleased."
John D. Rockefeller

The reward of toil and virtue.
J.P. Morgan

The sayings of many in the hands of one.
Eugene Debs

To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.

RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

SMILE, n. A curve that can set a lot of things straight. (~Anon.)

WOW, that’s enough for a day!

You probably haven’t heard this song entitled "Stairway to Heaven" by the multi-talented Rolf Harris, an Australian artist/ radio-TV entertainer, brought to us by courtesy of “djonusas”. Hope you like it.